Q. What were your reasons for considering adoption?

A. Infertility issues are present for both my husband and me. We both have low levels of those hormones most closely related to being able to conceive a child. After three months of artificial inseminations, there were no successful pregnancies. Feeling very frustrated and cheated we took the advice of our physician and put further insemination on hold. I remember feeling so angry and wondering why two people who wanted nothing more than to be parents were having such a hard time conceiving. I then began thinking about adoption. I started feeling more and more like it was what we were supposed to do. I prepared myself to bridge the idea to my husband. Much to my delight, when I brought it up there was absolutely no hesitation on his part. He was thrilled with the idea and wanted to start looking into it right away. I think there was a sense of relief on his part. If we had a successful pregnancy it would have resulted in a baby that would have been created from a donor sperm, my egg and carried in my womb. Through adoption it was in no way connected to one of us more than the other.   

Q. Why did you inevitably choose to adopt from Russia?
A. We knew that we wanted to adopt our child internationally for a few reasons. First and foremost, we really feel as though those children in need of parents in this country are protected by our foster care system. Children in other countries living in orphanages do not have the basic necessities for healthy living. When we met our children, neither one of them had a diaper on. Their food was “milk based product with oatmeal” in a bottle with a large hole in the tip of a makeshift nipple. The average life expectancy for a child living on the streets in a Russian city is 32 yrs old.

We do not think about adoption everyday, just like I would imagine, most mothers do not think about their pregnancies on a regular basis. Although we would love any child, having one that looks like they’re your own I think it is easier on the child.

Recently, I was sitting at a table in the Olive Garden with my two boys; we were waiting for Tim to meet us from work. When Tim walked toward our table and was greeted by the boys, an elderly woman sitting next to us leaned in. She said, “My God, could I tell that was your husband. One child looks just like his mother and the other one looks just his father.” It felt good.

Q. In my research, I have uncovered various instances when families changed their child’s biological name to a more “Americanized” one. Was this something that you felt was important? Why or why not?
A. My husband and I thought it was very important for our children to have the best of both worlds with regard to their names. We felt very strongly that the boys should keep their Russian given name. After all, they are Russian and we wanted to honor their birth name. We also wanted to give our children a family name especially since they are adopted. Jack’s given name was Sergei Sergeevich and we changed his name to John Sergei Karwowski. Charlie’s given name was Vitalij Sergeevich and we changed his name to Charles Vitalij Karwowski. Both names, John and Charles have long family history on both my side and Tim’s side.

  Q.  During the adoption process, was your child’s family history made available to you? If

   so, what has been your approach to educating your child about their heritage?
A. We have very little information on our boys’ biological families. We do know the name, age, medical history, passport number and address in Russia  of their birth mothers. We also have information on their place in the family with regard to birth order. Jack is the third and youngest child. His older brother (who is the second born) was adopted and lives here in New Hampshire. Charlie is an only child at this point. We have not yet, but certainly will tell Jack about his brother in the hopes that they can have a relationship later in life. If either birth mother has another child and decides to sign her rights away from the baby, we will be the first to be notified. As the parents of the older sibling to the baby we would then have to sign our rights away from the child before he/she would be eligible for adoption by another family. Or, bring them home to us!!

Q. How open are you with your child regarding their past?
A. Our children are still very young (four and five years old). They know their birth story and we learned through Jack recently telling us this story below how he understands it:
“Once upon a time, there were two babies that were in Russia. One was me and the other one was you, Charlie. I was in a girl’s stomach,  her name was Ludmila. Charlie you were in another girl’s stomach, Anna’s. Then we got born to the girls. The girls said, we can’t hold these babies; they belong to Tim and Alisa Karwowski. So they called and Mommy, you said, we’re on our way! And then you and Daddy flew in a big airplane over the oceans to come get us. And then, we all got to go on a big airplane to fly home. The end.”

Q. Did you ever feel an obligation to educate yourself with regards to Russian culture and history? If so, at what point in this process did you feel the greatest urge to do this?
A. We absolutely feel it is our responsibility to learn more about Russian language and culture. We embraced the opportunity to explore the birth city of our children so that we could see it and learn about it. We traveled everywhere throughout St. Petersburg and took tons of pictures that we have shared with the boys. There is a lot of time (while there to adopt) spent in Russia when you are in the city without the child. Learning more about his birthplace was a very productive and rewarding way to pass the time while we had to be away from our child.

Q. Do you support the idea of your child revisiting Russia? Why or why not?
A. We all look forward to returning to Russia. Our plan is take the boys to St. Petersburg for their high school graduation gifts. We want them to be old enough to both feel comfortable and enjoy making the trip.

Q. If your child expressed the desire to find his or her biological parents, would you support him or her?
A. Unfortunately for our children, there would be virtually no way for them to find their birth parents. There is absolutely no information on their birth fathers. If there was a way for them in future, we would support them in finding their birth family.

Q. Have there been any instances where you feel your child has benefited or been at a disadvantage from being from another country? To avoid confusion, I have read research that suggests that international adoption yields individuals with a greater sense of acceptance, understanding, and gratitude. Other research has suggested that they lack a sense of identity and belonging. What has been your personal experience with these kinds of issues?
A. Adoption isn’t all glamorous. There are hard times that all parents go through and some are more specific to adoption. We had issues surrounding attachment with our younger son. He was two weeks shy of his second birthday when we brought him home from Russia. Instead of feeling as though we were “saving” him from a life of destitute, he made it clear to us that in his mind we were kidnapping him. He truly did grieve the loss of his care takers, friends, language, his home. We worked for close to the first year he was home on forming healthy attachments to us.  

It is critical in the life of the adoptee as well as the lives of their family members that any and all emotional issues surrounding the adoption are dealt with as soon as they are identified. Once we were able to help him to form healthy attachments we no longer worried about that. Both of the boys have done amazingly well in school, with their sports and with the development of age appropriate behaviors.

I have felt as though my children are at an advantage because of being adopted. I feel as though people by nature pay more attention to them and take exceptional pride in their growth and development. When they do something impressive with a sport someone in the crowd might say, “it’s that Russian blood.” Is it really, or is it that the boys are just very good at hockey?

For me, personally, the journey began with feelings of “why me?” I was so angry and felt so cheated. All I wanted to do was to be a mother. Maybe it was that conviction that kept us pushing forward to our adoption days. Adoption has been our lifeline. We have been so blessed to have such amazing experiences with our children as well as with our friends in Russia. The question, “Why me?” still resonates within me. But now its meaning could not be further from what it was three and a half years ago. Now it is a curiosity of unexplained, undeniable privilege.